Het gezicht achter
The map
My life journey began 46 years ago in a small village in the Achterhoek.
I was given the name Margreet (‘Pearl’). The youngest of two older brothers. My parents were immensely proud and happy with me—finally a daughter. But also protective, strict, and emotionally absent.
I grew up as an anxious, sensitive girl with a large inner world. I found my inner world more pleasant and safer than the outside world. My flame was strong, despite my fear and sensitivity.
Within the family, I was labeled stubborn, and my frequent crying was perceived as being oversensitive. Outside the family, I was shy; I adapted like a sweet girl, but I also walked along defiantly and did things that weren’t proper. I adapted to be seen and not to be seen as a wallflower.
The outside world saw me mainly as a sweet, shy girl with a smile. My inner world faded more and more as I grew older and lost my innocence. I was unconsciously forced into young adulthood.
It became dark, painful, and sad there, and I was merely surviving. My family offered no safety or joy. I shut myself off, became angry often, hated life and the family (including myself), and walked with a heavy burden on my shoulders. My bedroom was my world. Alone, and above all, lonely. Lonely with all my feelings and thoughts…
The journey
With this card as experience under my belt, I wanted to be free. Away from my family, as far away as possible. To spread my wings. At 19 , after obtaining my vocational diploma, I flew the nest. That was also written on my moving card: “I am leaving the nest and spreading my wings. ”
Here the journey began, the journey to the far North: Groningen. I had never been there before, and yet I ‘had’ to go there. Here the obstacles began, the U-turns, dead ends, the valleys and peaks. The falling and getting back up. The foundation began to crumble beneath me. I fell. I fell deeply. I tried to stand upright in this world. Focusing on the outside world, moving further and further away from my inner world. Help from the outside, lightening the burden on my shoulders by sharing.
Slowly, very slowly, shedding all the layers that caused the heaviness.
Slowly, space opened up. Space to let in. Space for love.
Love: scary, attraction and repulsion, discovery. I didn’t know how to give and receive love. As a result, especially in the early years, it was intense, challenging, and unhealthy. Love born of fear and lack. Love that I had to teach myself. Both of us longed for love, due to a lack from our younger years.
We needed each other to learn, to discover.
From the moment I became a mother, I discovered: unconditional love.
Love that was simply there. Didn’t have to be earned. With challenges here too. Especially with my beautiful daughter, a mirror for me with her fire and honesty. It was painful, because I saw myself. The young girl, in her innocence.
My two boys with whom I was and am allowed to experience unconditional love. With whom I was allowed to learn, to feel… Unconditional love and the power of passion and courage. Through my children, as a gift to me.
In 2021, a new, big journey came along. A long-cherished desire and dream that my then-husband and I shared. We moved even further north: Sweden.
Only to find my dream home in 2024, already with the intention of living separately together. A need on my part: the bird wanting out of its cage. Freedom, but also following its heart.
Through emigration, I found the courage to continue the journey guided by my heart and intuition. No longer abandoning myself.
Sweden brought me back home. Home to myself: my Inner North!
Het kompas
De kaart had ik nodig om de reis te wandelen. De reis leerde mij het kompas te gebruiken en het werd steeds meer mijn persoonlijke reis. Mijn innerlijk kompas waarop ik navigeer.
De wegen werden steeds minder geplaveid, minder recht, minder druk. De wegen werden paden, soms onbegaanbaar, soms onzichtbaar. Ik zag het steeds meer als avontuur, als mijn eigen unieke pad. Genietend van het moment, het proces. Soms verdwaald, en toch het vertrouwen dat ik weer thuis zou komen. Mijn Inner North!
Ik leerde mee te bewegen op de seizoenen, welke in Zweden zo duidelijk aanwezig zijn, maar ook op mijn eigen seizoenen. De herkenning en erkenning dat de verschillende seizoenen elkaar kunnen ontmoeten. De zomer buiten ontmoette mijn winter. Het kon en kan gewoon naast elkaar bestaan. Het één is niet beter dan de ander. Het is een unieke dans, een kans, een uitnodiging om hierop mee te bewegen. Het als een kracht te zien.
Mijn ontwikkeling van jong meisje, naar een volwassen vrouw, van lente naar de herfst om langzaam naar de winter toe te bewegen.
Alles verbonden met elkaar. Als een cyclus: elk moment uniek, nooit meer hetzelfde. Altijd in beweging, ontwikkeling. Een oneindig proces.
Met mijn terugkeer naar mijn Inner North, is de herinnering dat ik onderdeel van de natuur ben. Dat ik natuur ben. Dansend door de seizoenen heen, dansend door mijn leven heen. Het maakt het leven, en vooral mijzelf, zachter, liefdevoller en waardevoller.
Mijn Inner North herinnert mijn wijsheid en mijn unieke levenspad.